Un-Motivated

Well, you can't expect a happy post loaded with photos all the time from me.
There are times when I just wanna rant my worries, troubles and all that's bothering me now.

I just need my space. Here.

I think I'm going through a lot right now.
Most of you (my close friends) know that my health ain't playing along side with me and worse is, I can't do anything about it.

I thought this semester would be great, and I was so ready to put in my all to get A every single day.
But I don't know why, I just had to lose it when I got my first B for the second week. I really did stunned infront of the screen for awhile. I just couldn't take in that B.
Most of you might think I'm crazy.
Some tell me: "It's just a B what! Not as if it's a C, D, E or even F! Some people can't even get a C or D, so stop sulking and whining!"
Yes, I might but sulking and whining all the while but you guys don't know how much getting an A mean to me.

See, I want a scholarship.
I want and I must get it.
I can't expect a B in those rows of As.
Think of it as a smudge or a dirt on the painting of Mona Lisa's.
Yeah, most of you will be thinking "just end your crap now".

Whatever it is, so far for 12 lessons, I have 10As and 2Bs.
Many of you tell me it's damn good already, so stfu.
Do you know how much it hurts? Do you?
Because just when you try your hardest and you know you deserve A, you don't.
Half your life just tumbles down.
I am not exaggerating, please.

I may be a perfectionist but I can't help to change that fact.
I need people to be perfect but I need myself to be perfect too.
And I don't think I am trying hard enough.

Every week have been the same.
Monday, school for 7 hours and rush home to study. Sleep for 7 hours and school the next.
Tuesday, school for 7 hours and immediately rush down for work. (Don't ask me why I don't wanna quit my job, it's the bond I have between these children that made me stay for a year plus already). Study for 2 hours and sleep for 6 hours.

Wednesday, suppose to be my "off day" but yes, there's FYP. That would take up 10hours in school and home after that. Study and sleep for 7 hours.
Thursday, I am usually tired by then. Very tired. School for 7 hours and immediately rush down for work. Oh yes, work takes about 4 hours plus. Home to study and sleep for 5 hours.

Friday, school again for 7 hours, And you think, oh TGIF, at least I can rest my head off abit, maybe hang out after school. But no, home and off to study again. Sleep for 7 hours and guess what? WEEKENDS!
Saturday, I have to drag myself out of bed for work in the morning. 4 hours plus of work and family time.
Sunday- at least a day to study and rest a little.

There, that's my everyday life.

There's one more thing that's been on my mind lately.
See, I can't contain my hunger recently.
I don't know what's wrong, really.
Even if I am not hungry, I will still binge on food now and then.
And sadly, I am so much fatter now.
Please don't tell me that I am not fat because I have eyes too, and I can see for myself.
Afterall, it's my body and I decide if I am fat or not.
Everyone in my family thinks I am fat, way fat.
My mum ask me to lose weight every single day.
So before I head to school, I run 3.6km at the park and that means only 5 hours of sleep.

fats, why do they even exist? ))):

No amount of tears can bring me through this torture.

Sigh, I did better get back to studying.
Ciao...